A Dark Sons Christmas Carol
by The Archivist of Eternity
Summary: What happens when we all get together to write our Soulsmas thing, and then I just write everything we talk about. (Why isn't there an 'I Have No F***ing Idea Genre!)


A Dark Sons Christmas Carol

**Written By: SonofAstora and The Archivist of Eternity **(Son of Balder)

**Edited by: SonofBerenike**

**Edited again by: DaughterofCatarina**

**It was just Balder typing down our conversation.**

Balders writing

**Berenikes writing**

_Astoras writing_

Catarinas writing

_**All of us at once**_

**THISISHOWYOUMAKEADIVIDERFAGTS**

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through Anor Londo Cathedral, not a creature was stirring, thanks to the games sequel. Three brave warriors sat and waited in the great hall, in hopes that an enemy would come to fight them all.

First there was Astora, a brave knight was he, with a sword that was divine, a shield of crested with vines and armour that made him look manly. _Oh yeah._

Then there was Berenike, a goliath of Iron. Flames flew from his sword which he had enchanted with fire. An enormous iron shield graced the back of his armour, which he had taken from a one who lived no longer. **Black Iron, bitches.**

And committing heresy was their third member, Scribe, whose armaments led his friends to defy, that they knew him, thanks to the terrible, obvious twist, that he dared to battle using a catalyst!

**Can we please stop rhyming? My dear brother isn't much of a poet.**

Fine.

So anyways, the three friends were bored. It was Christmas eve, 2013 and now no one was playing. _DS2 wasn't even out yet! We were playing on Christmas eve! _Shut up. I'm trying to write a good story. _Well you're failing. _**HARD. **Stop typing over my shoulder and let me write!

So we warriors three were standing before the gates of the dreaded gankers Ornstein and Smough, and now we were waiting for… can we skip to the good part? **Shut up and let the man write the story. **_I agree._

_Tiiiiiiiiimmmmmesssskiiiiiiiiippppppp…_

**That just looks dumb.**

_You just look dumb._

Oh, Zinger!

**I hate you all.**

All three of us were standing before the fog gate, when we heard the telltale 'Whoosh' of an invader. Sure enough, the words 'Dark Spirit **CensoredBecauseGettingSuedisAnnoying**' appeared, and our lives were changed forever.

**Well that was dramatic. I can't even remember the guys name, let alone how he effected my life.**

STOP IT.

Anyways, the invader was a man wearing a full Shadow set and carrying an Uchigitana in his left hand and an Iato in his left. **Fkn casul.**He rushed Scribe, who proceeded to wreck the fucker _get parried_**. **Oh, that did not happen.

_Yeah it did. The only reason you didn't get riposted is because Berenike rushed him. _**Get your facts right.**

Okay, so I got parried and Berenike rushed the guy, forcing him to jump back. Astora went to flank him, but he pulled a Talisman out of his ass _how he got it there I don't know _and proceeded to use the ultimate **(Read: casul) **fallback, Wrath of the Gods.

_I was sent flying backwards, taking lower damage than usual because of my Elite Knight Set, and Berenike was _**barely staggered because Wolf Ring + Black Iron Set= can't ****touch**** stagger this.**

I proceeded to fire off a quick round of Homing Crystal Soulmass **and for that you are doomed to casul hell for all eternity **_carrying on, _which proceeded to hit the bastard in the face. And do no damage at all. Because he rolled away. **Or should we say flipped. **_Because he flipped._

That's right, this guy was wearing the Wood Grain Ring, in a desperate attempt to look 'Ninja'. **So I hit him in the face with a very large sword. That was also on fire. **_Well to be nitpicky it was more releasing fire with every blow than on fire. _**You're right. **_I am? _**That was nitpicky. **_Oh._

This drained the bastard of a good chunk of his health, but it was Astora who landed the next blow, planting a sword through the guys abdomen with a quick thrust of his blade. This drained the man of another piece of health.

_Then Balder managed to hit the bastard with a Great Heavy Soul Spear, which forced him back. Berenike rushed in, slapped him over the head with a two-handed attack, and the bastard went down._

You know, this just makes you guys sound like gankers.

…

…

…

**Holy shit, she's right.**

_Oh my god._

I… We are, aren't we.

**Hold on a sec. I have a plan to redeem ourselves. We'll each tell a story about a time we got ganked, but powered through.**

Yeah, that should make us look better.

_Uh… I've never been ganked._

**Dammit Astora, you just ruined my plan! Fine, we each tell a story about **How about that fight club we hosted?

_The lady has a point. We had that battle royale between us four._

Uh, guys, could we speed this up? My hands hurt.

**Than let me type.**

But this computer is my baby! I spent days rebuilding it!

**Fine. But stop whining.**

_I can't see that happening any time soon._

**So, long story short, in a battle between a Berenike Knight, an Astoran Knight, a Knight of Balder, and a Knight of Catarina, Astora wins.**

_I beat Berenike with a backstab, Balder with a parry and Catarina with superior sword skills._

I beat Berenike, but not Balder or Astora.

I beat Catarina and Berenike.

**And I lost every match.**

_Because you suck._

**Because I ended up with server lag up the ass.**

Sounds nasty.

**It was.**

**ThisIsHowYouMakeADividerFagts**

Alright guys, are you ready?

**Why do I have to do this?**

_Because you need more Christmas Spirit._

**I have all the Christmas spirit I need. I have two bottles of Vodka and a flask of Scotch.**

I dumped out the Vodka.

**What? Why?!**

Because you always spike the eggnog at the Christmas party and I don't need Catarina hitting on me while drunk again.

I did that?

_Yeah. It was bloody hilarious._

**It was not. I had to drive her home, and there was vomit all over my cars upholstery.**

_I think we may have drifted from the main topic here._

**The fact that 'Brother Dearest' may be found dead in the coming week.**

_No, the fact that we're supposed to be singing a Christmas Carol._

**Oh yeah. Crap.**

Astora, can I hide at your house for a few weeks?

**ThisIsHowYouMakeADividerFagts**

A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four!

_**We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year! **_

_**Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin. Good tidings for Christmas, and a happy new year!**_

**Well thank god that's over.**

**The Fukn End.**

_Psych! We just have a few quick statements to make._

**We'd like to thank the DSS for accepting us as new members of their freaking awesome group.**

Our individual followers and critics who read our work.

_And the blokes who created Fanfiction for giving us a place we can meet where Berenike is incapable of getting drunk half-way through a discussion._

**That never happens.**

_Then what about last week._

**Damn.**

Berenike, you have a drinking problem.

Yeah, you kind of do.

_Anyways, we've decided to reveal our real names. _(But are they?)

**Berenike: David (I have a metal plate in my skull!)**

Balder/Archivist: Jason (I'm addicted to reading!)

_Astora: Marcus (I have a natural British accent! And I don't know why, I was just born with it!)_

Catarina: Alice (I'm technically insane!)

_Anyhow, __**Merry Christmas!**_

**The Actual Fukn End.**


End file.
